Closure
by DismantleMe
Summary: "Why would you tell me you loved me and then go kill yourself? Why couldn't you have come to me instead? I could have saved you… I would have told you that I loved you back…"
1. Chapter 1

PROLOGUE:

"_Why would you tell me you loved me and then go kill yourself? Why couldn't you have come to me instead? I could have saved you… I would have told you that I loved you back…"_

There are pieces of the puzzle that she will never fit together, because they are jagged and sharp, and sometimes missing edges. Sometimes she takes everything and stores the information in her brain. Maybe one day she will take it all out and solve the problem, solve what happened the summer after graduation. But right now, her mind and thoughts are mostly static and she can't differentiate any of it, maybe she doesn't really want to.

It still hurts too much sometimes.

Some days she gets up past two pm when the sun is blaring hot and walks for hours, barefooted and along the hot tar that lines the roads. She doesn't care that her toes end up getting blisters. It all seems trivial doesn't it when the person who said they loved you is now buried six feet under ground. Sometimes that's where she walks; sometimes she will go and stare at the headstone of the girl that she so loved to hate. She writes her letters on the days that she stays there for hours. _"Why would you tell me you loved me and then go kill yourself? Why couldn't you have come to me instead? I could have saved you… I would have told you that I loved you back…" _The words are hard to write and she rips the paper with her pen. If she gets angry she will hit the tombstone with her hand until it turns black and blue because she is angry. She hates herself for letting this happen, she _blames _herself.

On those days where she goes home with her hand bleeding and bruised her mother yells at her. She knows that her mother is at a loss of what to do with her anymore. Sometimes her mother will phone Rachel to come take care of you when you've had one of your fits.

She doesn't tell Rachel where she goes but Rachel usually has some sort of idea. She's good at solving puzzles and Quinn wishes that Rachel could figure out why Santana would kill herself. The days that Rachel comes over are one of the only days where Quinn doesn't write a letter to Santana. Rachel doesn't know about the letters and it's better that way. Rachel doesn't even know that Santana had professed her love for the head Cheerleader. No one knows this little detail except for Quinn and she can't take knowing that catastrophic secret. Quinn already blames her self; she couldn't deal with it if everyone else blamed her too.

Will this ever stop hurting?

There are moments where she thinks that the pain in her chest has dulled but then she closes her eyes and thinks about the night before everything broke. She thinks about soft caramel tasting lips on her own. She dreams about the soft touch of silky fingers trailing against the small of her back.

These thoughts are what is going to kill her in the end, but she doesn't dare forget them. (But it's all she has left)- that and a small note Santana had left for her in Quinn's locker that day. (That Quinn can't bear to read ever again)- so it sits under her pillow, giving her nightmares every night. There are obviously photos from the past few years of them together as well, but she's locked those away in a drawer.

So Quinn thinks that in time, with all these things that she has kept a secret, she might be able to figure out the truth. Maybe she will be able to understand why Santana had decided to leave them all behind.


	2. Chapter 2

"_Why did you have to be so fucking selfish? Why did you have to leave me with all these fucking feelings? I hate you. I will never forgive you for leaving me here."_

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><p><strong>SEPTEMBER<strong>: [_You would kill for this, just a little bit, just a little bit] _– Straylight Run

Quinn has lost track of pretty much everyone in Glee club over the summer due to circumstances that she's trying to forget. (But that she doesn't think she'll ever be able to forget).

At the same time she's pushed everyone so far away that no one has tried to reconnect with her and she doesn't blame them. She's been such a bitch ever since the day she found out Santana died. The person who she has ignored the most (which makes her hate herself even more, if that's possible) is Brittany. Quinn doesn't even know how to look at Brittany without wanting to run into traffic. How can she look at the one person who really got to know Santana in a way that _she _would now never really get to find out for her self. Sweet, innocent Brittany who had no idea that Santana had been cheating on her. No, it's best that Quinn stay away permanently from Brittany. She knows Brittany doesn't understand the reasons that Quinn has been ignoring her but it's better that way. (For both of them, right?)

So, Rachel is the only person who she corresponds with regularly, even then, she keeps her at such a distance that she won't even let Rachel hug her or touch her hand. She practically recoils whenever Rachel gets that close so Rachel backs off, feeling a little more hurt every time. Quinn has a feeling that soon Rachel will disconnect from her as well. She thinks that it would be actually be in Rachel's best interest to do so and she's told her that more then once. (It's not like they were great friends in high school) in fact Quinn continually tormented Rachel through Freshman, Sophmore and Junior year. Quinn bites her lip as she glares at her reflection in the pool in her back yard. She thinks that if Rachel did desert her like everyone else does, it would make things a whole lot easier to think about starting over. But that's going to be hard to do that when they're living in the same city (Granted NY is massive but somehow Quinn thinks that Rachel will find always have a way of finding Quinn). She doesn't know how they both ended up in the same city (since Quinn had originally planned on going to Yale), but it did happen and in a few days they will be driving together towards the NYU campus.

Rachel doesn't start at NYADA for a few days but has decided to come earlier with Quinn. Quinn thinks it's to look out for her, and somehow Quinn's okay with that. Because she could see herself unraveling before Rachel got there. The wounds are still fresh from the beginning of summer and Quinn still doesn't exactly know how she is going to cope with everything.

Quinn blinks a few times and comes out of her daydream, realizing that her phone is ringing, the caller ID says that it's Rachel. Quinn doesn't have to look at who's calling anymore because Rachel is the only one that ever calls.

"Q." Rachel says on the other line. "Get your lazy ass out of the lawn chair and go finish packing. We're leaving in three days."

It's funny how much Rachel has changed over the summer, not quite as over bearing as she was in previous years, maybe a little more jaded and never would she have ever told the ex head Cheerleader what to do.

"Rach, I'm enjoying the last few days of nice weather, if you weren't completely insane with keeping deadlines you would be over here doing the exact same thing." Quinn replies, pouting even though she knows Rachel can't see her lips pressed together in a frown.

"Ugh. Q. Stop with the peer pressure and stop procrastinating. I am going to come help you after I'm done with my stuff." She can hear Rachel yelling something at her Dad's and Quinn smiles. She loves the Berry household and all it's warmth and love. So much different then the home she was brought up in. That makes her think about Santana because the strict, cold upbringing that Quinn was brought up in, was the same for Santana. She wonders if Santana had been brought up in a different family, would she still be alive? Quinn starts to stare blankly at the water that's glistening in the sunshine, she's starting to feel her mind go to that place where everything starts to get numb. She thought maybe when September got close that she would start thinking about school and everything else that came with that. But everything still ends up bringing her back to Santana.

At least she's blocked out those nights where Santana would come over and they would explore each other's bodies. She won't allow herself to think about that though. She can hear Rachel saying something on the phone but Quinn isn't listening anymore she's lost in her own world, her world of trying to figure out Santana. Quinn gets up and leaves her phone on the chair and walks into the pool. She can't bear her thoughts of Santana's body over top of hers, she can't picture Santana's smile as she goes in gently for a kiss. Quinn sticks her head under the water and screams, she screams until she can't breathe, she screams until she has to go to the surface and gasp for air. The sun is too bright when she reaches the top and Quinn gets out of the water and walks into the house without putting her towel on. When she reaches her bedroom she slams the door and starts punching the wall with her hand. She's leaving holes in the wall and her hand is all bloody but she doesn't care. Quinn walks into the closet, something that she's been avoiding doing because of the pictures she's hidden of Santana inside of it. (It's the reason she hasn't started packing yet). Quinn takes the pictures out of the box and throws them on the bed, still in her rage. She takes a picture with her non bloody hand and glares at it.

"Why did you have to be so fucking selfish?" She yells at the picture. "You left me here, with these fucking feelings." She takes the picture and starts ripping it to pieces.

Quinn goes to the bathroom and wraps her hand in a bandage. If her mom sees this she's going to kill her or send her away somewhere. But maybe that's what Quinn wants to happen. She doesn't care anymore. She doesn't know if she can wait a few more days to leave this shit whole of a town. All this pretending to be okay with the fact that her could have been girlfriend and best friend killed herself is taking it's toll. She feels so guilty all the fucking time that it's eating away at her. Quinn takes a deep breath and opens up the notebook where she writes her letters to Santana, her breaths start calming down a bit as soon as she picks up the pen.

_I hate what you'd done to me. I hate you for leaving me, for leaving me feeling like I'm the one who's guilty. I didn't do anything wrong. You started whatever it was that we had been doing and then you fucking left me. I will always hate you for leaving me. I hate you for leaving me here._

Quinn folds the notebook closed as she hears a quiet knock on the door and a tentative breath being drawn. Quinn looks up to find Rachel staring back at her with concern in her eyes. Quinn looks away and hides her hand under the table.

"Take your hand out Quinn, it's too late I already saw the bandages." Rachel walks over to her and Quinn watches her eyes flicker to her damaged hand. Rachel puts a hand softly on top of the bandages and trails her fingers softly across. "Q…" She starts saying but Quinn shrugs Rachel's hand off of hers and glares across the window.

Rachel then walks over to the bed as she sees the mess piled up on it. "What the…" She starts saying but stops herself when she realizes what the mess on the bed is. "Oh hon." She whispers and she goes over to Quinn and wraps her arms around the taller girl. Quinn just whimpers as Rachel holds her.

* * *

><p>Quinn's the one who drives most of the way to NY. Rachel controls the music most of the way with minimal arguments from Quinn. "Just no Broadway tunes." Quinn says, Rachel pouts at her but Quinn refuses to let Rachel listen anyways.<p>

Halfway to NY Rachel sighs and looks at Quinn sideways, "Finn and I broke up." She states looking down at her hands.

"What? I'm so sorry Rach. What happened?" Quinn wants to know.

"He says that I'm…" She trails off and avoids Quinn's gaze. "That I'm spending too much time with you. Then he said the most inappropriate things about being separated by being in two different places- because he's joining the Army and… I told him I didn't like the idea of him joining the Army so he called me a selfish bitch… and then wouldn't let me explain and he said other things… but I don't want to get into that right now. But he broke up with me."

Quinn can feel her nostrils flaring at how Finn had treated Rachel. If they were in the same state she would have gone to find him and kick his ass. But they are miles apart, which Quinn thinks is at least better for Rachel because then she can get over his sorry ass. Quinn wants to tell Rachel that he's an ass; that she's better off without him anyways, that long distance relationships never work out. Instead, Quinn sighs and says, "I'm so sorry Rach. It'll be okay." Quinn takes a hand and places it on Rachel's knee. Quinn can feel Rachel tense up and Quinn knows she's about to start sobbing. "Hey Rach… don't cry okay? We can listen to show tunes if you want…" Quinn cringes at her own words. "Whatever, to make you happy." Quinn says.

"Really?" Rachel asks hopefully. "You're the best Quinn." It seems to stop Rachel from crying so Quinn is great full as Rachel picks something off her iPod.

Quinn just rolls her eyes,, "yeah yeah, don't mention it." Quinn means that. She hates showing vulnerability. Rachel is the only one who gets even the slightest chance of seeing that. As soon as Quinn had heard that Santana had died, she had promised herself not to get close to anyone. She had already broken that promise with Rachel but Rachel's a stubborn person and won't take no for an answer.

They drive in silence for the rest of the way over there, stopping in a hotel along the way for the night. It's a one-bed room and Quinn tries to take the couch but Rachel won't hear of it and makes Quinn sleep next to her. Quinn sleeps on the far side of the bed with her back turned, trying to avoid skin to skin contact but wakes up with Rachel's arms wrapped around her. Quinn, still half asleep, kind of half smiles and lies there pretending to be asleep for a little bit longer.

* * *

><p>They arrive at NYU in the afternoon and after they've finished loading Quinn's things into her dorm and Rachel's over night bag. They go outside of the musty room to enjoy the days last rays of sunshine. The campus is prettier then Quinn had remembered it from her first visit and she gets a swooping sensation her chest. Nervousness. She can't believe she's finally here. She grabs Rachel's hand excitedly, without realizing and swings her around in a circle. "Rach! We made it, we're in New York!" Quinn smiles and wraps her friend who has pretty much saved her over the summer, into a hug.<p>

Rachel grins at Quinn and envelopes her in another hug, nuzzling her face into the crook of Quinn's neck. "I can't believe we're finally here Q." Rachel pulls away. "Now let's go get something to eat, I'm starving. Rachel entwines her hand with Quinn's and pulls her in an unknown direction, but Quinn doesn't care about the fact that they don't know where they're headed, or know why there was a tingling sensation when Rachel took Quinn's hand in her own. All she cares about is the fact that they've finally made it. There's something liberating about not having a plan (not just going out somewhere to eat), the whole college thing. Having your whole future ahead of you. For the first time in a month, Quinn actually has a real smile plastered on her face.


	3. Chapter 3

. . .

"_Sometimes if I stand still enough I can feel you everywhere. I don't want to because you broke my fucking heart, but still sometimes right before sleep it's like I can almost touch you, feel you. I just wish that I could kiss you one last time."_

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><p>She's sitting in front of Santana's grave, staring at the night sky. It's cold and she's forgotten her jacket in her haste to drive down to Lima fucking Ohio in the middle of the fucking night. She has three missed calls from Rachel and five text messages since she left her standing alone in one of the campus bars. Quinn has done some stupid things in her life, but driving more then five hours while shit faced drunk is one of the worst things. Quinn has taken off her shoes at one point during the hour that she has been in the graveyard and feels the silky grass beneath her feet.<p>

Quinn runs her fingers along Santana's name and bites her lip. Most days she still can't process the fact that she's really gone. Quinn knows that she's slowly losing it. Because she'll go to class and not remember the lecture. (Among other things). It's only late September and her grades are failing. She's already gotten lectures from Rachel, although how Rachel got her grades Quinn will never know.

Quinn thinks about a couple of her breakdowns she's had in Rachel's presence, she remembers Rachel threatening to call her mother. She remembers yelling at Rachel that she won't be her fucking friend anymore if she does that. That was the first fight her and Rachel had had, since high school and Rachel didn't talk to Quinn for about three days. Rachel finally forgave her when she picked Quinn up drunk one night from the bar. Rachel picking up Quinn from the bar was a regular occurrence, but didn't college kids drink all the time anyways?

She still hasn't told anyone about Santana's note that she found in her locker, and that is one of the things that are killing her, the most. She doesn't know how to tell anyone. Oh yeah, just so you know, Santana left a suicide note in my locker. _Yeah_, she's sure that would go over well.

Thoughts are now running through Quinn's heads, thoughts that she's tried so desperately to block out over the course of the last couple of months. She's failing though; she's been failing at everything lately. Quinn gets up from the grave and walks towards her car, she's sure she has a vodka bottle hidden somewhere in there. She rifles through the car until she finds it and then goes back to the ghost that is Santana. Quinn drinks practically half the bottle in one large gulp and sets it back down on the grass. She looks up at the stars and wonder if Santana is up there somewhere, do people who commit suicide get into heaven? Does Quinn even believe in heaven anymore?

Quinn shakes her head; she just doesn't want to think anymore. Sometimes when the thoughts get so bad she thinks that she doesn't want to breathe anymore. Why couldn't Santana have told Quinn what she was going to do? Quinn shakes her head angrily at herself. The pieces of the puzzle seem to be slipping farther and farther away from her. She doesn't know what she's holding onto, but she knows she's holding onto something. It isn't right anymore to hold onto someone who isn't there.

She wonders what Santana's thoughts were before she died. Did she even think for a moment of how much this would hurt the girl who she was in love with? Did it even register as the gunshot rang through her head? One of the images that breaks Quinn up the most is Santana's fucking brains out everywhere, for the whole world to see. She has frequent nightmares of the sound of gunshots blasting off through the air. Quinn wants to know how Santana even got the gun in the first place. If only Quinn could piece everything together…. If only Quinn could figure Santana out. Quinn tries to stand up but she can't walk, she's too drunk. So Quinn lies there for a bit, wondering if she closes her eyes, will the nightmares be there? She wishes that someone else had found her body. Why had that moment Santana's death, been the moment that Quinn was going to go over there and tell her she loved her back? Why hadn't she gone to her locker that day? Would she have gone over to Santana's house sooner instead of going home to change and shower first? Quinn shakes her head. She needs to stop blaming herself- she is making herself drown in alcohol but she can't stop it.

An hour later she is fucking freezing, so she goes over her options of getting home, sighing she dials the only number that she knows by heart.

"_I still remember the first time you kissed me. It was raining that night, you were sad because Brittany had turned you down when you had told you that you loved her. I was sad because well, I was always sad. You came in soaking wet, crying and I held you. You looked at me and told me I was beautiful. No one had called me beautiful before you. That's when you kissed me, and maybe it was because you called me beautiful that I kissed you back. But I did, and it was magical."_


	4. Chapter 4

"_Little things remind me of you. Especially when the rainfalls, it's like I can feel you beside me, feel your breath on my neck or your lips on my cheek. You were always so soft, late at night when no one was watching. I just wished I had a chance to see more of that. I tended to shy away from you during the day- you were always so guarded. I was too afraid of what version of you I would get, and I was so lost, scared and sad that I couldn't bear to find out. Now, I wish I had."_

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><p><strong>OCTOBER – [<strong>_& will you tell all your friends, you've got your gun to my head_**] **– Taking Back Sunday

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><p>It's funny the things that Quinn keeps on remembering. Things that she probably thought insignificant at the time are now becoming etched into her memory. Such as the way Santana's hair used to fall in front of her eyes after a night of lovemaking. (If you could even call it lovemaking); sometimes Quinn remembers these moments in her dreams too much and wakes up moaning and aching for Santana's touch. She hates that she can't control what she sees when she sleeps. So, she barely does. She knows that Rachel is more then worried about her but Quinn shrugs the guilt that tugs at her heart away. At least Rachel has stopped harassing her about her grades. She isn't doing well, but at least she's passing and apparently that's shutting Rachel up so that's all Quinn cares about. Quinn has stopped eating anything that tastes like vanilla because it reminds her too much of how Santana's lips tasted, she will also not watch Saved By The Bell because her and Santana used to have marathons of it when they couldn't sleep. Quinn's DVD's have been placed in the box with Santana's letter and her photos that she hasn't ripped to pieces yet.<p>

Most days Quinn still feels like she's fading into nothing. Things haven't gotten any better and she is probably even drinking more. She just doesn't call Rachel to pick her up anymore- instead she's going home with a different girl every night- then sneaking out, making the walk of shame back to her dorm room at three or four in the morning.

Then one night she runs into Brittany at one of the local pubs. It doesn't even cross her mind _why _Brittany would be in New York in the first place. Although Quinn can't remember where she was supposed to go after graduation. Maybe she didn't bother asking. But that doesn't matter in that moment that she sees her. Brittany looks like she's a fucking mess and Quinn is drunk enough already that she goes over to her and wraps her in a hug. It doesn't start registering in Quinn's mind that Brittany has started kissing Quinn, slowly until Brittany's tongue pushes it past Quinn's lips. Quinn doesn't stop Brittany, sex is a distraction to Quinn and _fuck _Brittany's a good kisser. Her mouth tastes like heaven and Quinn slips her own tongue inside the dancer's mouth. Quinn knows that this is wrong; that this is Brittany- it's not some random girl from the bar that Quinn is never going to see again. But then Brittany moans into her mouth and she forgets about everything- she's forgetting that they're still in a bar as Brittany grinds into her.

"Britt, Britt." Quinn untangles her hands from Brittany's hair and stares into her bright blue orbs. "Hey. We can't do this. Whatever this is." Quinn licks her lips. It's taking every ounce of her strength not to bite those perfectly soft lips.

Brittany practically whimpers in reply, she tilts her head to the side and holds Quinn's gaze. "Yes we can. We need this Q." Brittany leans forward and places her lips on Quinn's neck, sucking at her pulse point.

Fuck, there is no way Quinn can say not to that. Then Brittany grabs Quinn's hard and Quinn is done for, at that moment there's no turning back, she's fucking screwed. So Quinn whispers in Brittany's ear, "my place or yours?"

Quinn follows Brittany out of the pub and before they can even call a cab Brittany is attacking Quinn's lips and pushing her against the building. Quinn never would have guessed that Brittany was a top, but Quinn is getting really turned on by it so she doesn't fucking care as she's letting Brittany's hands cup her breast she lets out a moan. "Come on, cab, now." Quinn husks and pulls Brittany to the cab that's stopped at the curb.

Back at Quinn's dorm it doesn't take long for clothes to fly off bodies and for hands to explore each other's bodies. Brittany's skin is like porcelain and Quinn can't stop touching everywhere and licking everything as well as every last drop of what is Brittany. She tastes like candy and Quinn can't help but moan as she sucks her clit. She feels Brittany tug her hair and push her closer, she feels Brittany's body vibrating with her orgasm and Quinn licks her clean until there's no cum left. Then Quinn is lying on top of Brittany, arm draped over her baked body because pretty much as soon as they entered Quinn's dorm Brittany had fucked Quinn senseless, so now that they've both had their orgasms they're spent.

Brittany stirs from Quinn and walks over to her purse and looks through it, dumping it's contents on the floor. Quinn watches Brittany's actions, not wanting to ask what she's doing. She sees Brittany pull out cigarettes and a lighter- the dancer gracefully slips back into bed and lights the cigarette. Quinn just eyes Brittany but doesn't say anything. She's still really fucking drunk.

When Brittany finishes her cigarette she gets up to leave but Quinn pulls her back down on the bed pinching Brittany's nipple hard between her fingers. "No- stay." Quinn demands and Brittany does stay. She stays until the next afternoon after about the fifth time they have sex she leaves, saying goodbye by giving Quinn a long hard kiss. Quinn watches Brittany go, wondering if she will see her again. Seeing her again felt like some sort of really fucked up hello that was always going to lead to a goodbye.

Quinn starts to panic then, her hangover now being done, she goes to her desk and gets out a pen and paper. Fuck, shit, fuck. Quinn slaps her forehead with her hand. What the fuck has she just done?

"_I fucking can't stand this feeling of barely being able to breathe. None of the girls compare to you- none of them. Yet, I keep going back. I ran into Brittany last night. God. Look what you've left behind. I fucked her- another mess that you left behind. I wouldn't call it making love, because it definitely wasn't that. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop. I just want to FEEL. You can understand that can't you?"_

Quinn sets the journal in her drawer and crawls back in her bed; Brittany left the cigarettes on her bedside table. She picks on up and twirls it in her fingers and stares into space, naked on the bed. That's how Rachel finds her hours later, after Quinn misses a dinner date with her. Worried, Rachel went to find Quinn in her dorm.

As soon as Quinn sees Rachel she bursts into tears. She doesn't even care that she's naked. She just pulls the covers up as Rachel climbs into bed next to her and spoons her from behind.

"Oh Q…." Rachel whispers. "What happened?" She asks her voice full of concern.

"I'm a slut Rachel. I'm nothing more then a slutty bitch." She can't stop crying, she can't even with Rachel trying to whisper soothing words to her she just keeps sobbing. Usually Rachel's hand drawing circles on her back would help her, not this time. She doesn't know what she needs but she knows that she needs the tears to stop.

She's pretty sure she now hears Rachel crying and feels her wet tears on her bear back. Quinn turns around. "Rach… don't cry. Please." She can't bear to see Rachel upset. She's caused Rachel enough pain already. Quinn strokes Rachel's hair and Rachel starts sniffling until her tears stop.

"You're not a s-slut Quinn. Don't say that sort of thing, please. Quinn I'm so worried about you all the time. I never know how I'm going to find you anymore. You need to tell me things, you need to let me in." Rachel starts shaking so Quinn holds onto her friend tighter.

"I'm sorry Rachel. I'm trying… I'm really trying." Quinn places a kiss on Rachel's cheek. "I just don't know what to do anymore. It still hurts so much." Quinn's voice cracked.

"I know Q… but m-maybe you need some professional help." Rachel said quietly.

Quinn bites down hard on the inside of her lip to stop herself from staying something that she'll regret. Rachel is the only person that really cares about Quinn and if Quinn loses her, she knows that she really _will _succeed in losing herself as well.

So Quinn doesn't say anything to Rachel she just leans her forehead onto Rachel's shoulder and soon she's asleep, too fucked up emotionally to care that she's still very much naked, in Rachel's arms.

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><p><em>It's the day before nationals- Chicago. Santana has snuck into Quinn's room well after midnight. The day has been grueling, Cheerios practice and Glee rehearsals and all Quinn wants to do is take a nice hot bath and go to sleep, but Santana obviously has other plans. Quinn raises her eyebrows as Santana climbs through her window with a bottle of vodka and two shot glasses. Santana smirks and makes her way over to Quinn's bed; she straddles her without even saying hi and kisses her roughly on the lips. Every time Santana kisses Quinn, Quinn needs more- she needs to feel her everywhere. Quinn whimpers as Santana pulls away and just stares at her. <em>

_Quinn is suddenly feeling self-conscious and averts her eyes, looking at anywhere except Santana's eyes. "What?" Quinn finally asks, almost exasperated as to why Santana is just staring at her. Then she feels Santana's fingers brushing her hair away from her eyes._

"_Quinn?" Santana asks quietly and Quinn holds her breath, she has been afraid of this moment, she feels like Santana is about to break down some walls. _

"_Yeah, S?" Quinn responds, silently praying that tonight won't be the night that Santana says those three words. _

"_I, I love you." Santana practically whispers._

Fuck. _Quinn is at a loss of what to say. She's fucking terrified. She should be smiling, her heart should be filling with butterflies, but it's not. She's just staring back at Santana wondering what to do, wondering what not to do. She doesn't want to hurt her. Quinn knows that she's on her way to falling in love with her, but not at that moment, not yet. _

_Quinn can tell that Santana is getting ready to bolt; she can feel the shift in her body position, the darkness that is now enveloping her eyes. _

"_San…" Quinn chokes out in barely a breath._

"_It's whatever Q. I get it." She says shortly, stepping off of the bed and running to the window- she leaves the alcohol behind and jumps out of the window- Quinn can hear her feet land on the grass below._

_Quinn feels her heart shutting down, feels her mind numbing itself. It's not the first time this has happened, nor will it be the last time. She will shield herself from the wrath that will now be Santana. She knows she's fucked up royally. It's not that she can't see herself loving Santana; she's definitely getting there, except… there are all those other factors. Santana is fucking dating Brittany, the fact that Quinn is still in the closet, and finally the fact that Quinn is scared of falling in love. It's not like their relationship is so stable. The more she's thinking of reasons not to be in love though, it hits her, she is so fucking in love with Santana that it's killing her, that she's literally pushing Santana away._

_Quinn shakes her head at her stupidity as she climbs out the window, after Santana. She can't have gotten far. Quinn picks up her walking pace and goes the direction to Santana's house. She passes a park half way between San's house and her own and finds her sitting on a park bench. Quinn walks over to her, cautiously and sits down next to her. She can tell that Santana's been crying. Quinn takes her finger and traces it across Santana's tear stained cheeks. "Hey." Quinn says softly and kisses Santana's temple._

"_Just go away Quinn." Santana replies coldly turning her head away from Quinn's._

"_No, don't do this San." Quinn pleads with her and cups Santana's cheek in her hand, forcing Santana's head to look at her. Quinn kisses Santana with such passion, and so deeply. She can taste the brunette's tears, but it doesn't bother her, she wants to kiss away her pain. When she stops kissing her, she gazes into Santana's eyes. "If you would have waited… you…" She starts off by saying and bites her bottom lip. "I… I'm in love with you too."_

* * *

><p>The memory fades when Quinn slowly opens her eyes. These are the things that she's afraid of remembering, why her subconscious only brings the past out during sleep. Quinn squints at the sunlight that's pouring in through her window. She obviously hasn't slept for long, because it's still bright outside. She starts to panic when she sees that Rachel is no longer beside her. She turns around quickly and notices Rachel sitting at her desk, where she has her journal hidden, which is out on the table. Quinn knows she had put it away before Rachel had come over. <em>Shit, fuck, fuck. <em>Quinn wants to pretend that she's still asleep so that she doesn't have to face her friend.

Too late- "Quinn… you need to explain this." Rachel says pointing at the black book in her hands.

Quinn starts hyperventilating until everything fades to black.


End file.
